
Today, in order to break out of that horrible cycle of destructive passivity, I organized a trip to watch Paranormal Activity 4 with two other escapees. I did not have high expectations of the film having seen its predecessor, Paranormal Activity 3 which had been as imaginative in its contents as it was in its title. A pointlessly teasing and dull cinematic endeavor, complete with characters more two dimensional than a hedgehog on a highway and a plot so shallow that even a suicidal infant would struggle to drown in.

Therefore, with expectations so low that a legless dwarf could vault over it, I ventured smiling maliciously into the rapidly darkening evening to head for the cinema. Wearing my black gloves to keep my hands snug, my dark long coat to shield me from the cold and my top hat to harass people sitting behind me.



At this point I would like to point out that I do not usually buy things, my primary source of income is to scrounge and beg, my secondary is to steal, this has been my policy for so long that now the very idea of actually using my own money feels like a sacrilege to some ancient religious custom. However today, drowning in the euphoria of not sitting at home crying in a darkened room, I spent money on both my own ticket and even more shockingly, a portion of the sweets.
As we walked towards the screen indicated on our tickets, the gravity of the situation slowly dawned on me. I had, going against every personal protocol, chipped in to communally buy sweets. The only way I could possibly redeem myself, to be able to ever look my scowling self in the mirror again, was to somehow make a profit on the expense of my two companions.
Screeching alarm bells wailed excitedly in my head, accompanied by rotating red lights for further urgency, in response to this, a cacophony of hurried clattering military footsteps began at every corner of my brain to swiftly merge, accumulate and gather within the section of my mind labeled "mission briefing". In a matter of seconds the soldiers of thought all stood in form and rank, neatly assembled, ready for action. After a moment of disciplined silence, the general, a weather beaten man with a greying beard and broad shoulders, stepped forward.

"At present," began the General, allowing his deep authoritative tone to resonate within my mind's briefing hall once again, "The bag of sweets is in the hands of one Underling Sinister. However luck appears to be on our side today, we are currently walking towards the seats with Dr Sasa at the front, our unit, Veritable, in the middle and Underling Sinister trailing at the back(as can be seen in step one of the diagram). Therefore we will inevitably receive the central seat between the two and it is absolutely traditional that the bag of food is left in the care of the individual sitting in the middle." He paused, pointing at step four of the diagram proudly and continued with a tone of strong satisfaction "In this way our unit, Veritable, will gain control of the sweets."
Silently cheering on my good fortune and the excellent work of my brain brigade, I sat myself down next to Dr Sasha, deliberately ensuring that there be an open seat next to me where Underling Sinister would naturally sit. My triumph was complete, either the food would soon be held in the confines of my arms which would make eating them efficiently an easy task or Underling Sinister would choose to hold onto them in which case it would eliminate Dr Sasha from the competition.
Just as Underling Sinister seemed to be lowering herself into the seat however, my hungry victorious eye met Dr Sasha's and a quick flash of understanding seemed to run through him like an electric shock, "Oh no you don't" he hissed at me. Then he called to Underling Sinister, suggesting "come sit next to me!"
A surprised murmur ran through the assembled members of my brain brigade, even the General, for a second, seemed flustered, opening and closing his mouth at this unexpected turn of events but regaining his composure a second later. "Doctor Sasha... A true tactician," he murmured huskily, almost absent-mindedly to himself, "He's turned the situation around for himself from worst to best in a single move. Simultaneously ensuring he is closest the food and our unit, Veritable, the furtherest."

Cursing my opponent's quick thinking, I tiredly hauled myself up from the seat into whose silky depths I had sunk, following Underling Sinister in order to sit next to her and more importantly, the food. However quite suddenly, in the already very darkened cinema room, my foot caught on something, nearly sending me sprawling forward onto the carpet floor. I looked down in surprise to see that Dr Sasha had in fact erected a defensive barrier, a border control, in the form of a raised foot, a trap set to trip. I tried a second time, however as I took one step forward to lift my foot above his leg quickly, deliberately and maliciously, he raised his own leg higher.
"Sir!" shouted one of the newest recruits to the mind military, his voice filled with barely contained panic "the enemy has created a blockade! His leg is acting as a reactionary wall across the narrow walking space between his chair and the chair in front! There's no way we can cross!"
"Damnit!" roared the General, "We don't have much time, the film could start any second now!" he paused here, deep in thought, then after a moment he turned to his second in command, talking with slow firm control, "The enemies blockade is predicting and reacting to our movements, correct?"
"Yes sir!" replied the second in command.
Slowly a small smile appeared on the General's ragged features, "This is crazy but it might just work," he paused, breathing in deeply, then "If the enemy is reacting with prediction to our unit's movement, we simply need to take an unpredictable course of action!"
The members of the mind military all slowly looked up, confusion, uncertainty and just a tinge of hope illuminated in all their faces. The second in command articulated all their thoughts with a wavering simple, "Sir, what do we do?"
In response the General's smile transformed into a large vicious grin, he opened his mouth and shouted one word, his voice sending a tangible blast through the room like some form of sonic explosion, "Jump!"

As the film started, however, the other two gradually lost interest in the food, choosing instead to focus on the poorly made horror film. In my mind, the General smiled with satisfaction, this was precisely what he had expected, then barked one simple command, instructing a single move that went against all cinema going conventions set before it. A revolutionary act that broke the fundamental laws of battle but nonetheless brilliant. Slowly I reached across with trembling hands and gently plucked the bag of confectionery from the distracted Underling Sinister.
Holding the multi-coloured sugar coated hoard preciously in both hands, I smiled a wide malicious grin, victory was mine, though the battle had been long and tough, it had ended with my triumph.
Though on hindsight however, the true victor was perhaps the cinema for getting myself and two other hapless teenagers to not only invest in overpriced tickets for a film that turned out to be even worse than its prequel which had been pretty appalling in itself but also to purchase an expensive bag full of diabetes. Well, you win some, you lose some and you won't last long, if you can't learn to focus on life's small victories and ignore the defeats.
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