Badger

 One of the current hot topics on the televised lips of every newscaster in Britain seems to be the postponing of the scheduled badger culls. The news today was regularly punctuated with footage of the opposition who, rather naturally, opposed the government policy; along with some self proclaimed badger defenders; celebrating the failure of the cull, while the governmental authorities desperately stressed the fact this was a set back as opposed to a cancellation.

 The main motivation behind this planned bestial genocide, other than the conservatives looking for a suitable replacement for fox hunting, seems to be that badgers are partially responsible for causing the spread of TB within cattle. Essentially it is Cows versus Badgers, which sounds like the title of a very poor quality monster movie which will nonetheless go on to have quite a large cult following purely because of how ridiculous and cheap it is. A cinematic triumph portraying the battle between two mighty beasts, fighting to determine who is the superior mix of white and black. Perhaps there could even be a high budget sequel in which Michael Jackson joins the battle.

 The war however cannot go on forever and at some pint a judgment must be made on which of the two animals should be prioritized. When considering this, there are several factors that should be taken into account and placed gently into the metaphorical scales of justice. No one, not even the people who campaign for the right of badgers, would suggest that cows are fundamentally bad or evil and less deserving of life than badgers. This therefore means that, in terms of base value (since badgers aren't, relatively speaking, especially endangered either) the cow is no worse than the badger.
At this point the scales are even. Then what tips the balance is the addition of financial value to the cow side. The fact that products of cows are considered a source of valuable income for farmer's bank accounts as well as a delicious income for our digestive systems, makes the cow a lot more generally valuable than redundant badger.

  If any self proclaimed guardian of monochrome woodland animals in danger declared that they could compensate for the financial advantage the cow has over the badger, to even out the value scales, purely with the magnitude of their love for the badger. I would suggest that they had a rather peculiar sexuality and probably took pleasure from poking a stick down a badger's burrow, so to speak; liked adding more white stripes to the badger, if you know what I mean; enjoyed putting it right in the badgina, to be more crude.

 However one alternative and feasible method of evening out the balance on the value scale is to make the badger too, like the cow, financially profitable. Perhaps, since if they were farmed for meat it would destroy the entire objective of preventing a badger cull, they could be milked. Although badger milk does sound like some obscure innuendo or disgusting variety of cocktail rather than an actual straightforward drink. Nonetheless there is some hope, coconut and soya beans have both successfully made it into the milk market and comparatively speaking badgers are a lot closer to cows, the alpha within the milk industry, than either of those two examples just by having nipples.

 However if the idea of lactating badgers doesn't seem too appealing or appetizing, there is an alternate labor market into which the woodland mammals could enter. Furthermore with this way, the extremely loving guardians of the badger can have a two fold satisfaction first in knowing that they are supporting the animal's right to exist by being paying customers and second in the pleasurably amorous service its self.